I recently read this article: Are You Playing Baby Roulette? which was disturbing and, well, relatable. Not that I had consciously decided "hey, I think I'll just let the wind take me where it will", but I certainly lived with a teenage sense of invincibility. I thanked God that it happened with Eric at that point in our relationship and not any sooner. I had no ideas for my future, no life plan, no college degree, no focused passion to follow. So getting pregnant was a big puzzle piece put into place. I eventually worked out that relationships had always been my focus, that having my own family may be the thing I never realized I always wanted. But because of that I have the fear of becoming a parent who is so unmoored in my own identity that I lose it all in my child's.
Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. I get unreasonably angry at my little girl for not acting how I want her to act, not sleeping when I want her to sleep. I am alone with her a lot, Eric has to work a ton to support us all and with the kids half the week, I get little relief. And I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't do it any different. That I don't sometimes think that having children is a selfish act. I still get panicky when I think about my baby growing up in this world and that I do not have the resources to equip her to do so. But I am changing and growing so quickly. Learning and adapting to this life I had never planned. And much of the time, I love it. I have never loved as deeply as I love my girl and have never known someone or been known by someone as completely as Eric and I have over this past year of marriage.
It is a constant struggle, it is rarely easy. But it is wonderful and it is worth it all. And I thank God for keeping it together when we certainly can't.
